Do you wish to be in a relationship? How to prepare yourself to be “the one”.

to be in a relationship

Do you want to be in a relationship? Know yourself first

Having a special connection with someone who accepts and supports you during good and bad moments is one of our emotional needs. But…

Do you know what you want? Do you know what you really need?

These are fundamental questions you should ask yourself.

Because we have the tendency to go for what is familiar. We look around and choose what is similar to what we already know. If that is abuse or dependency or degradation does not matter. Unfortunately, our brain thinks that what is familiar is safe.

If, for example, when we were children we lived in a toxic environment, our natural unconscious tendency will be to choose people who provide us with the same type of atmosphere.

We also tend to want what our peers want or follow what our peers are doing without thinking if it is right for us.

It is normal, we are social creatures who seek validation for what we do.

But sometimes it means that we fall into the trap of following what might be good for someone but not so good for us.

We have the right to be different and to live our lives as we wish.

But the truth is that the pressure of our culture and peers can be very difficult to deal with.

Sometimes we need to stop for a moment, isolate ourselves from our peers and think about who we really are and what we really want.

Take a sit and answer some important questions

If you are single and want to be in a relationship you need to answer some important questions.

Generally, we go through life without asking ourselves too many questions – we wake up, work, eat, sleep, in an continuous struggle and rarely take time to be with ourselves. Privacy is one of our innate needs precisely because to know which way to go we need to know what our ultimate goal is.

In addition, privacy allow us to understand the obstacles we are facing and resolve them appropriately.

Please, take a sit and answer these questions the best you can.

What are you avoiding by choosing to be alone in life?

I know – You had longed for a healthy, committed partnership with someone whom you could love and respect. You are not choosing to be single.

As much this question irritates you, try to sat with it and check if you are in love with your freedom more than anything else.

  • Do you rather want to keep your options open.
  • Maybe you feel terrified of being emotionally dependent on anyone and vulnerable to the possibility of being left?
  • Are there any past traumas related to relationships?
  • It is possible that this is affecting your behaviour?
  • Are you still trying to protect yourself from being disappointed in ways similar to how you’d been disappointed in childhood?
  • Are you afraid of being hurt?


What do you believe?

  • Do you think you have the capacity to love and be loved?
  • Do you believe you are worthy of love just as you are? Or do you think you need to be different in some way?
  • Do you tend to adapt to please someone else? Do you thinking that if I do this or that you will finally be loved?
  • Do you think you need to be strong and “indifferent” when what you want is really love and be loved?
  • Are you afraid of hurting others and thus you cut the relationship before it gets “too serious”?

There is a huge chasm between wanting to find your ideal partner and being truly available for that partner when he appears.

Do you want to be in a relationship? Set intentions

Most of us live our lives not by setting intentions but rather by having expectations. These expectations go largely unfulfilled and often lead to feelings of disappointment and resignation.

You need to be an active agent in the fulfilment of your dreams and desires. The future is not there waiting for us. We create it by the power of imagination.

One reason that so many of us do not have the love we are longing for is that we have not yet become the people we will need to be in order to attract and sustain that kind of love.

You need to know exactly what you want in a relationship and what you are willing to tolerate and compromise. Then you need to know how to define love in your own terms. This means to recognise what you want to receive and what you want to give in a relationship.

Take your journal and start writing. Ask yourself and write down the answers to these questions:

How do you treat yourself?

  • How do you express love to yourself?
  • What do you say to yourself in a regular basis? Are you your best friend or do you talk to yourself as if you were your worst enemy?
  • Where did you learn to think/act that way? Your family, at school, previous relationships?
  • What are the things you do that mean you are loving and taking care of yourself? 

How would your ideal relationship look like?

  • What are the values you want to share with your partner?
  • What are the activities you want to do with your partner?
  • Describe a day in your future life with your partner.

What are the personal traits you want your partner to exhibit? Make a list.

Now look at that list as ask yourself:


You cannot demand people to be what you are not capable to be.

Do you want to be in a relationship? Get a plat and … action.

Now that you know who you are, what you want and how you want it , it is time to action in you really want to be in a relationship.

  • Where are you going to find the type of person you want?
  • What are you going to do to get access to those places?
  • Are you willing to date more than one person so you can feel relaxed when you find the right one? They say you need to kiss many frogs before… but you don’t even need to kiss them. Go out, meet new people, have a good time. Do not decide anything based on first impressions. Dating has several steps. You don’t need to rush, you don’t want to rush. Be curious and get the support of your friends.

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Maria da Silva (PhD, DHP Acc Hyp) is a Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapist and a Trauma/Attachment Informed Coach, an expert in helping people understand and overcome their past conditioning and engage in meaningful and peaceful relationships through Nonviolent Communication.