Break up

Break up

A break up or the end of a relationship is not the end of the world

I know, it hurts.

You are disappointed, sad, angry with her / him and with yourself. Asking why you and why again. Your body is sending signs: your heart is pounding, you are shaking, sometimes you feel you can not breath and you can’t see the future.

Our ancestors knew that if they were rejected by their tribe or family the probability of being dead in a few days was huge. Alone in the forest or savanna the chances of surviving attacks from animals or other tribes were very slim. The same in our childhood. If we were abondoned

We, in this industrialized world, react exactly the same way to rejection as our forefathers would have. Our body releases the same type of hormones and our physiological sensations are the same. Physiological sensations equated with fear.

But you are an adulp now. You are never abandoned. In adult life we leave realationships. WE don’t abandone anybody.

Knowing this, the first thing you have to think about is that these physical sensations in your body do not correspond to your feelings about yourself or about the person who rejects you. They are just a conditioned response that comes from many millennia ago.

It hurts, but you’re not going to die from it. You will understand that your survival is not threatened, you are able to manage this and get on with your life. That’s exactly what’s going to happen, whether you believe it or not right now.

You have incredible resources that will help you to overcome this phase, learn from it and refine your choices. For now, you have to be patient and accept the reality.

“Some things break your heart but fix your vision.”

The archery of finding the one

Finding the right person is like hitting the centre of a target in archery. To hit the centre takes a lot of practice. In a similar way most people date several people before finding the right one.

You need to take the risk of failing several times until you are ready to meet the target.

Some people take much longer than others because they do not correct the shot after missing the target. If you went too far to the left, next time you need to shoot more to the right. Through a series of attempts, your mind will continue to self-correct and you will eventually hit the target.

Thus, every time you go out and discover this is the wrong person for you, your mind will self-correct until eventually you just aim and hit the target.

You need to recognize when you are with the wrong person and move on.

Don’t try too hard to fix a relationship. If you need to change your partner or yourself to stay in a relationship you did not find the right person.

It is perfectly healthy to get to know a person, fall in love and then discover this person is not the right one.

When a relationship ends that does not mean the other person did not love you. Love is not enough – that is the true. The person may have loved you but for other reasons the relationship ended, and that is OK. 


What is the story you are telling yourself about the break up?

The truth is that you can choose the story you tell to yourself about a broken relationship:

“If you have done this and that, if you had changed and adapted to what I want, we could have made this work. If you cared more and tried harder… My life is ruined now and I lost three years of my life. You were the person for me and because of you all is gone”


 “ yes you loved me and I loved you, but we were not right for each other. I was not the one for you and you were not the one for me.  I feel disappointed and hurt, but I can forgive you and wish you well. I am grateful for the time we spend together and the things I learn. Now I can move on to finding the right person for me.”

The second one is much more empowering and gives you spare space to start again in a positive wave.

The time we spend in a relationship is not a loss if you learn from it and complete it in a positive way.

Every time you follow your heart and then recognize that someone is not right for you, then you definitely are one step closer to finding the right person for you. 


Understand yourself

Do you really know what you want? Do you know what you really need? Are you ready to have a relationship?

These are fundamental questions you should ask yourself. Because we have the tendency to go for what is familiar. We also tend to want what our peers want or follow what our peers are doing without thinking if it is right for us.

It is normal, we are social creatures who seek confirmation around us.

Sometimes we need to stop for a moment, isolate ourselves from our peers and think about what we really are and what we really want.


Understand your partner, transform your relationships

The right person is someone that can bring the best in us. They are not perfect but they are perfect for us. However, without the right knowledge and communication skills they can also bring out the worst in us and vice-versa.

That’s why it is so important to understand our partners. Do not fool yourself thinking man and women think and behave the same way. We have some different needs and we react to stress in different ways. Giving the support you need can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and unnecessary suffering. Giving the support your partner needs will make you both happy.

Trying to change people is like training a cat to bark – in the end, you will always hear Meeeeeooooowwww…

Knowing this is going to change your view about your partner, is going to change your behaviour and consequently their behaviour and is going to transform your relationships.

Are you feeling hurt due to the end of a relationship?

Let’s talk about it


Maria da Silva (PhD, DHP Acc Hyp) is a Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapist and a Trauma/Attachment Informed Coach, an expert in helping people understand and overcome their past conditioning and engage in meaningful and peaceful relationships through Nonviolent Communication.